The Horns Of A Dilemma
This one is difficult. I’m asking myself to diagnose myself and then to cure myself. Physician, do your stuff. Practice what you preach.
On the one hand, there is what I want. On the other is what I need. To compound the problem there is what I think that I need, and what others believe that I need. To even further compound the dilemma is my penchant to please. In retrospect, I see that this is likely why I continued to sing in public long after it became a form of torture. My parents were just so damned proud of me. I knew it and they made certain that I knew it. So the expectations of others remain very important to me. What to do? This goes back to the “bend or break, willow or oak” issue that I wrote about elsewhere. The jury is still out on that matter.
What I want is the subjective side of the argument. What I need is the objective.
Kirk versus Spock. Wants are “emotion”. Needs are “logic”. To dig even deeper, what is more important, mental well-being or physical well-being? Certainly, one can affect the other and you really can’t have one without the other. So It all comes down to core values and any resulting conflict with core values. And where do these values come from? From my mother’s milk and at my father’s knee. Whether I accept those values or reject them in favour of something else, they remain embedded in my psyche. They are central to my being. I am what I am, an oak being asked to be (act like) a willow.
Is it any wonder I’ve been driven to therapy?
There, I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.
Now, when others tell me what I need, that may run contrary to my beliefs and therein lies my quandary. How far am I willing to compromise those values that are central to my being? And if those who say they truly say they love me continue to press the issue, what should I conclude?
Nothing but questions begetting questions. It never ends. I’ve been chasing my own tail for so long that a touch of depression seems justified.